Low stress tolerance
with explosive behavior.
Moody – switches from
nice guy/gal to anger without much provocation.
Survive on threats
and intimidation to keep others chained to them.
They do not take
responsibility for their behavior.
They have to be
right. They have to win. They have to look good.
Very slow to forgive
others. They hang on to resentment.
Unable to sustain a
totally faithful relationship with love partner.
Tendency to project
their own shortcomings onto the world about them – frequent
blaming. Never at fault.
– rarely at a loss for words – twists conversation to divorce
themselves from responsibility.
Glimpses of integrity
and emotion are seen – but short-lived. They give you hope that
they are changing, but return soon to deviant behavior.
In a trust
relationship, inevitably betray and violate their commitments
and get blocked emotionally when they get too close to those
they say they love.
They have no concept
of open sharing of ideas, feelings, emotions. Conversation goes
per their direction. They have the last word always.
Can show tenderness
of feeling, then return to customary behaviors. Two (or more)
vastly different sides to their personality are seen.
They never seem to
get enough of what they want. They leave others feeling drained
He loves me, he hates me. They threaten their partner with
poverty, then indulge their partner or the relationship.
You end up feeling
responsible for the problem. They get to your feelings. No
matter what -- they win, you lose.
Attitude of “I’ll
meet your needs if you meet mine. If you don’t, I’ll find
someone else who will or I will not meet yours.”
They are so skilled at making a mountain out of
a molehill, and you become so tired of the conflict. It drains
all of your energy, love and hope.
Emotional immaturity. Behavior is not age
They come first and
foremost. Are insincere about
real interest in other people.
Little if any remorse for mistakes
Inability to profit from experience – does
not learn a lesson from
Inability to postpone immediate gratification
– what they want, they want now. Impulsive and demanding
Conflict with, or defiance of, authority
Lack of appreciation for the consequences of
Little if any conscience
Behavior develops little sense of direction
– often uninfluenced by
concepts of right and wrong
Gives lip service to professed values and
Often involved with illegal or unethical acts
Shallow interpersonal skills – inability to
experience and verbalize deep
feelings and emotions. Often insensitive to the needs and
feelings of others. Cannot identify with how others feel.
Ability to put up a good front
to impress and
to get what they want
to meet their needs, often at the expense
The behavior is highly repetitious and many people
They see others as pawns on a chess board. Maneuver people around
for their own purposes. When done with others, they checkmate
they are trapped, they just keep talking or change the subject, or
Incapable of maintaining genuine loyalties to
any person, group, or
Does/did poorly in school with attendance,
grades, attitudes, and
relationships with teachers. Was in conflict with parents over
Chip on shoulder
– cocky and arrogant
Rebellious to parents’ authority. Violates
standards of the home frequently.
They cancel commitments without sound reason or
They use friends for money, transportation,
favors, time, attention, etc.
A taker – not a giver. They give for show and expect something in return.
They live life by avoiding responsibility vs.
getting the job done.
Poor self-motivation – often described as
lazy and listless. Lack ambition.
Not helpful with routine chores.
Fun is the cornerstone of
Sexually curious or active. Place great
importance on their sexual abilities. Sexual partners often feel used and demanded of.
Lack well-defined values.
They come across initially as caring and
understanding and read others
"like a book" because they make it their business to
know how to maneuver people.
Angry mood most of the time.
They use sex to control, cover
their insecurity or
make up after a fight.
Poor planner with time and activity
Excessively concerned with personal
appearance; e.g., hair, weight, the car they drive, clothes, having money to flash, career dreaming
Seem to enjoy disturbing others. Like to
agitate and disrupt for no apparent reason.
Feel entitled to the good
life without working
Others get upset when in
their presence. There’s
a feeling of guardedness,
caution, and suspicion that they create in others.
Poor work history – quitting, being fired,
They repeatedly fail to honor financial
obligations. Do not pay the
bills in a responsible and timely way.
Flirtatious, overly friendly. They make
inappropriate sexual comments.
They seldom express appreciation. Again, they are thinking of their needs
not the needs of others.
Grandiose. Convinced that
they know more than
other people and are correct and right in almost all they say and
Clueless as to how
they come across to others
and to how they are viewed. They get defensive when confronted with their behavior. Never their fault. May be apologetic and seem sincere, but soon
repeat the offensive behavior without appearing to have learned from
Motive for behavior is usually self-serving,
and they do not recognize
Can get very emotional, even tearful, but
behavior is more about
show or frustration rather than contrition or sorrow.
They break their partner's spirit to keep them
Sabotage anything that makes
their partner happy. Want partner to be happy only through them and to have
few or no outside interests, friends or relationships with family.
They are always working somebody over – either
subtly or aggressively - for
a favor, deal, break, freebie, discount, etc.
They're free to do their thing,
but expect others to be
what they want them to be, do what they want them to do.
They don't let others be themselves.
Convincing. Successful at getting other people
to believe in their perception
of a problem. Are adamant that people side with them vs.
allowing people to feel or believe differently.
They hide who
they really are from everyone. No one knows the real person inside.
They scorn everyone and everything that
with. They do not allow for
differences to be respected and they scorn the responsible world.
Difficult to pin
them down to a certain level
of integrity that you can
live with. They resist all efforts to define their values, behaviors, standards.
Kind to you usually only if
they are getting
from you what they want.
They announce, not discuss. They tell, not ask.
They do not discuss openly beforehand. You get
to deal with after
the fact information.
They control money of others but spend freely on
themselves and others.
They win at the expense of your feelings. They think only of the end result
without considering your feelings or needs in the process.
Unilateral condition of, "I’m OK and
justified, so I don’t need to
hear your position or ideas."
they describe is because they got
caught, or they're mad that
you’re mad, and not because they believe they made a mistake.
Secret life. You’re often wondering what
they do or who they are that
you don’t know about.
They always feel misunderstood.
Most of the time you feel miserable living
with this person. When
it’s good, you relish the peace, but that is usually short lived.
Are usually through listening once
they've made their arguments.
You talk about their feelings, not yours.
Unchallenged by others because people seem to be
put off by them, afraid
of them, or they are elusive.
Are not interested in problem-solving openly.
Seem very interested in discerning
personalities, so that they can
strategize how to manipulate them.
They determine how, when, where we
talk, and about what they want to talk about.
Pervasively insecure. Covers it by
over-talking, over-controlling, or over-indulging, but seldom if
ever owns and works through his insecurity.
Labels all mental health providers
as quacks if he cannot out-smart them or if they figure him out.
Does not last long in therapy.
Try this one: ask him what behaviors
or attributes he needs to overcome or change. Expect denial or a
lot of rambling words that mean nothing.
Expect narcissistic rage if called
on his behavior.
Remember that he can only love one
person at a time – and that person is himself.
Poor listener. Easily distracted and
avoidant. Changes the subject. Cannot reflect back with
sincerity on what the other person has said.
When he’s with people, the
presentation is Here I am rather than there you are.
The underlying attitudes are like
the guy who says to his girlfriend (after he’s been talking
excessively about himself), “Oh, enough about me. What do you
think about me?”
The ultimate goal is to have power
They are the bad boys of our
societies. Women are charmed by their slick words and looks,
compliments and wild edge lifestyle. Women often divorce them
and then remarry another character disordered person.